Mistakes Happen, Learn to Let Go

The most amazing thing happened to me last Sunday evening! In our parish, I am a member of the Ministry for Lectors and Commentators. For the three years that I have been serving in this ministry, I have never been a commentator until last Sunday. The first time I saw my name under that dreaded column, I felt my heart dropped.

There is a reason why I did not want to be a commentator. Being a lector, I just have to read either the First Reading and Psalm or the Second Reading and Prayers of the Faithful. More importantly, I just have to stand in front of the church assembly for those short moments when I read the Word of God. But being a commentator, not only do I need to stand in front for the duration of the mass celebration, but I also have to be on my toes for any unexpected things that may happen.

My Fear of Public Speaking

One of my fears is speaking in front of a crowd. Believe it or not, but I have only learned to raise my hands voluntarily inside a class when I was on my second year of college at my second school. Before, I couldn't care less if I gain a grade of zero on my recitation, I just wouldn't raise my hand. I dreaded recitations and reporting. My mind just goes blank during those times. (Now I understand that there is a reason for this, which is related to my introversion. More on this later on.)

Anyhow, I have learned to work with this fear of mine. The anxiety is still there, but I can now manage it. The one thing that I am most prone to do, however, is being a "defeated perfectionist" and until yesterday, I didn't really thought that I am on my way to healing from being one.

The Defeated Perfectionist in Me

Let me explain what a "defeated perfectionist" is. According to Dr. Leman, in his book When Your Best Isn't Good Enough: The Secret of Measuring Up, defeated perfectionists are those who:

- are never satisfied with mere excellence (they don't even know that they have already hit that mark),

- want everything to be perfect (and because nothing in this life can ever really be that perfect...), and

- can find flaws with just about everything they do (doesn't matter if it's negligible by others, something minor or major...a flaw is a flaw).

Moreover, defeated perfectionists have perfected the art of watching reruns of their past mistakes and failures. They are not only satisfied with just watching, they would also relive those moments and feel the disappointment and guilt, and play again and again all the other unmentionable words of doom they may think of about their being "not good enough" inside their head.

Yes, I do admit, I am one of those miserable fews...I can go on and on about what happened in the past that steered me to live that kind of life, but let's just skip that part (seriously, it doesn't matter now). What's important is that I just discovered that I am slowly healing from this hard-wired lifestyle.

Finding Grace in My Downfall

So getting back last Sunday, I have a lot of mistakes, although it has a lot more to do with the sound system...but still, i could have done something to remedy the situation.

(Have I mentioned that it doesn't matter for a defeated perfectionist on whose fault is which, whether they have some sort of power or control over the situation? Bottom line for them: something went wrong while they were there, so there must have been something they could have done. If none, then it must be because they just attract bad luck and Murphy's Law just love them so much!)

Halfway through the mass, I was really trying to keep it together even though all I want to do is hole myself up and just cry. I can already see the preview of my past mistakes at the back of my mind. I can already hear the beginnings of the historical account of my past failures playing in my head. By the grace of God, I've managed to held them in until the end of the mass. After the celebration, I just want to go home and finally allow myself to release the tightness in my chest. Lo and behold, the commentator for the following mass has not yet arrived. Being the good member that I was, I stayed for a while and prepared myself should I need to replace him.

But I guess, God took pity on me. I did not need to wait for long because one of the lectors who served with me agreed to be on stand-by instead. I was finally able to go home!

Immediately, I locked myself in my room, lied down, and just stared blankly in the ceiling. Just like that, the dam broke. I cried for a few minutes, uttering my apologies to God for being a distraction in the mass (for the low volume of my responses, for the mannerisms and tenseness I sure exuded throughout the mass, and for just not preparing myself enough). After crying my heart out for a few (short) minutes, I felt...nothing.

No further guilt, no further disappointments. I surprised myself that after that brief breakdown, I managed to be objective. I asked myself, "Okay, so you've made a mistake. Now what do we learn from this experience?"

It really shocked me to the core! Seriously! I used to dwell on a mistake for DAYS! I remembered waking up in the morning and the first thought in my head would be "you're such a screw up" plus a rerun of what went wrong, and at night I would sleep with these thoughts as well. But last Sunday, not only have I succeeded in quieting the inner critic in me, but I did not bring in my sleep thoughts of those mistakes as well. Really amazing!

When Lyf Throws U Lessons

At some point in our lives, we face our inner critics. Amongst all the voices we hear from others, this voice coming from within could be the worst and harshest of all. Why? Because it is what we BELIEVE in ourselves. It is how we see ourselves. It is how we talk to ourselves. And unlike other people, we cannot really run away from our inner selves. So what can we do to stop being miserable?

WE JUST HAVE TO STOP BEING HARD ON OURSELVES!

There will be other people who will put us down and criticize our missteps. Leave the critiquing to them. I'm not saying that we should not reflect on how to change ourselves for the better, or just let our mistakes go without so much as a thought. We can look back and assimilate without the emotional harassment from ourselves. Just be objective. Look at what went wrong and learn from it.

Important note, we should allow ourselves to feel the pain of making mistakes or having failures. The Bible says that there is a time for everything, even in feeling down and low. God does not find fault in those feelings. But then, there is also a time for letting go and moving forward. There is no sense in holding onto that pain for so long. 

In Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success, John Maxwell stated the importance of using our failures as stepping stones for our success by learning from our our mistakes. So go ahead and don't be afraid of making mistakes. Just learn from them, let them go, and move forward! Easier said than done, but not impossible. Personally, I know I still have a long way to go to be fully free of the defeated perfectionist in me, but I am keeping the faith alive that one day soon, God will give me the grace to fully overcome this. And if you also have a defeated perfectionist within you just like me, then I am sharing my prayer with you as well. Cheers!