An Ugly Reflection
There had been a point in my life when I would look at my reflection with disdain and contempt. I hated myself back then. I didn't like who I see in the mirror, because all I see is someone who is ugly...A disappointment...A failure...A huge burden...A good-for-nothing scum of the earth...All I see is a worthless being -- unworthy of love, happiness, and peace.
I've always felt that I had to be this and that, just to get the validation of someone. I thought that I had to be a certain type of person -- have certain set of characteristics, skills, and abilities -- just so others would accept me and love me. Even when I had my accomplishments; even when others acknowledge these accomplishments -- I still feel unworthy.
Is It The Reflection? Or Is It The Perception?
Lo and behold, something amazing happened to me five years ago. I hit the lowest point in my life. Not a day goes by without my skin and my heart bleeding. It is just by the grace of God that I am here today. I can't really explain it, but it felt like suddenly, my world stopped and I felt a tug in my heart. That tug prompt me to finally reach out to someone and share my inner demons. After that, I just felt God's loving embrace melting and shattering the walls I've put in my heart and the lies I had in my mind.
I wouldn't say that I am completely healed and free, because then I would be lying. But, I am a work in progress. I am faithful that God is working through me every single day -- that I am on the path of healing and freedom because of how God sees me. He doesn't look at my past, present, and future. He only sees the person He envisioned me to be -- a beautiful, worthy, and loving person...A champion...A victor...A child of God -- worthy of great love, true joy, and God's peace.
I Am Beautiful!
Now, when I really look at myself in the mirror -- I look at myself with love, pride, and amazement.
(Of course, there are still times when I don't like what I see in the mirror -- but those moments are few and far in between.)
When I accepted God in my life, I learned how to love myself. And I make it a point to let myself know how much I love and appreciate my unique, introverted personality. Day by day, I learn something new about myself. It is a great (and bumpy) journey of self-rediscovery -- of loving and accepting my strengths, weaknesses, quirks, eccentricities, and craziness.
Looking back at the person I used to be, my heart is filled with so much pride at how much I've grown in the span of five years! Yes, there are times when I feel a tad frustrated because I feel that I am being left behind by my friends, who have accomplished much in their age -- but then, I remind myself that I should be patient with myself. I am only a toddler in this new life I've been given. I have to unlearn almost 20 years of ugly lies and beliefs -- and teach myself God's truths.
When I Celebrate Life, The World Celebrates With Me
And now, when I see myself in the mirror, I am so amazed to finally see a glimpse of the person God had envisioned me to be. I have always questioned my purpose in life -- and now, I see one of my purposes here on earth. I see a person who loves life and translates this zeal for life into her daily living.
One of the things I love about myself is my big smile -- and I do believe that God gave me this beautiful smile so I can share it to the world. It is one of my prayers to God, that when others see me (and my smile), their hearts would be touched even in a small way. It is amazing that even though I may be a bit more focused on myself and my growth -- the changes in me also affects others. And I couldn't have been more happier to know that somehow, someway, God is using me to be a blessing to others.
How about you? Do you like who you see in the mirror? I pray that you do, because you are beautiful too!
Praying for your happiness,
Joanne
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